i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Randomize
