I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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