my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
