so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
