You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
the room spins SO much faster in panama
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
