Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
