My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
