i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
