so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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