I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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