so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Edward fifth and chaser hands
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
