I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Randomize
