apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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