Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
