I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
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