Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
so much tequila, so little girl.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
