i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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