why didn't you poke me back
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
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