The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
