he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
