so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
tell me about the eggs
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
