im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
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