I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
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