stop calling my apartment porn island.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Randomize