so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
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