this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I'm too high and old for this...
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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