God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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