you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
