Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
They took my balls.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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