I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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