I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
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