How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
