Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
