Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
