god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Randomize
