If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
