no but I have been chillin' like em' homeboys in the rainforest yo!
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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