I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
