I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
