She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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