Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
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