Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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