...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
