NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Sex in the backyard? Check.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
