How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Randomize
