Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
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