The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
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