i just wanna soil my oats bro
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Randomize
