also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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