tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Liz is crying about burritos again.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
