after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
