I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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