The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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