Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Randomize
