I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
