one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
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